


Datecrash

by revenblue



Series: [collection] Drabble Dabble (100 word ficlets) [79]
Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Ambiguous Species, Awkward Dates, Awkward Sexual Situations, Coitus Interruptus, Drabble Sequence, Heinz is terrible with boundaries, It all works out though, M/M, Multi, POV Alternating, POV Third Person Limited, Perry's the third wheel on his own date, Peter walks in on them, dubiously consensual sexting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 00:27:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18905773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revenblue/pseuds/revenblue
Summary: Reasons (not) to answer the call.





	Datecrash

Perry hissed between his teeth as his watch vibrated. Didn't Monogram know he was _busy_? Admittedly, busy swallowing the thick shaft in front of him, tall and hard and belonging to his nemesis, not that his superiors ever needed to know _any_ of that. Quite frankly, it was none of their business.

Besides, it was his day off. Couldn't they let him spend it in peace?

Ignoring the call, he turned his attention back to Heinz's cock... right up until the door burst open, _Peter_ framed in the opening.

Perry dragged his mouth free with a snarl. "I got this."

* * *

Peter blinked and closed the door. _Well_. Of all the things he'd seen on the job, that was both the most _and_ the least surprising.

And an image he was never going to get out of his mind.

Making a valiant effort anyway, he marched back to OWCA's Danville headquarters, where he'd been given a temporary cot in a filing room for the week. "Just to help out," his superiors had said.

Of course, the more pressing matter was, what the hell was he going to put in his report? Perry certainly had seemed to have it all in _hand_...

* * *

The next time Perry returned to HQ, he pinched the bridge of his nose in pained recognition. _Peter_. Why was Peter here?

Wasn't his life embarrassing enough?

The only saving grace was that Peter couldn't seem to meet his eyes either. That, and, by the _lack_ of avoidance from the rest of his fellow agents, Peter hadn't said anything.

Perry threw himself into his chair with a sigh, preparing to write the most awkward email of his life, when he saw the inbox notification.

> To: Agent P, Danville  
>  From: Agent P, Seattle  
>  Subject: last wed didnt happen. i saw nothing.

* * *

Despite himself, Peter still saw the same image every time he closed his eyes: Perry, impeccably put together as always, swallowing a thick cock with the finesse he did everything else. A scant few seconds, playing over and over in the back of his mind.

Fuck, he was glad to be home. Back in Seattle, in the privacy of his own lair, where no one would notice him taking some alone time.

So of course that was when his phone beeped.

> Peter the Panda! You were in Danville and didn't tell me? I thought we were *friends*!

Peter groaned. _Heinz_.

* * *

The next time Perry got his nemesis's shaft in his mouth, he'd almost put the whole incident out of his mind.

"I've been talking to Peter the Panda recently," Heinz said, and Perry choked. "Wait, Perry the Platypus, are you okay? Say something."

" _Fuck_."

"Well, yes, that _is_ what we're doing, but-"

Middle finger up, Perry returned to his task: getting his nemesis and boyfriend to shut up for once.

"-he has a thing for you, you know. Hold on, I'll send him a picture."

Perry looked up, saw his own phone in Heinz's hand, and sighed. Typical. Fucking typical.

* * *

Staring at the image displayed on his phone, Peter whimpered.

That was definitely, unmistakably, Perry. On his knees, between a pair of legs that could only belong to Heinz, mouth full of cock.

This close, he could see the cracks in Perry's normally put-together appearance: the half-closed eyes, the drool at the corner of his mouth, the slight angle of his usual fedora.

Peter groaned. Of course Perry still wore his fedora for _sex_.

A new picture arrived, as if on cue. Heinz this time. Flat on his back, eyes unfocused, bare skin covered in hickeys.

> Jerk stole my phone.

* * *

Perry pinched the bridge of his nose, attempting to ward off the latest headache. On the screen, Peter's last message stared at him, stark despite the casual style.

> so wtf is this

Did Perry know? Not really. But he couldn't leave Peter without an answer, not if he wanted to salvage whatever friendship they had outside work hours.

> Dr D said u were interested.

True enough, when he thought about it. It had been an impulse decision, but Heinz _had_ implied...

> R u?

Holding his breath, he waited for the response.

> tk me 2 dinner 1st

Well. It was something.

* * *

Peter set his cutlery down neatly next to the remains of his meal, then addressed the metaphorical elephant in the room. "The rose is a bit much."

The rose, vividly red, was displayed prominently in a vase in the centre of the table.

Sitting across from him, Perry sighed, idly poking a chunk of carrot around his plate with his fork. "And it _wasn't_ last time? Look, I don't know what you think this is, but-"

"A date."

"Fine," Perry said, voice flat, and dropped the fork on his plate. "A _date_. But-"

"Sorry I'm late, Perry the Platypus!"

_Heinz_.

* * *

Groaning, Perry slumped onto the table, hands clasped over his head. Why him.

"Traffic was a _nightmare_ ," Heinz called across the thankfully quiet restaurant, shuffling between tables. "Guess that new place those two boys built is popular, huh?"

Peter, in the corner of Perry's eye, raised an eyebrow. The unspoken question hung in the air.

"I didn't invite him," he mumbled into the tablecloth as Heinz laid both hands on his shoulders, still talking.

"You look _handsome_ today, Peter the Panda. So... Has my boyfriend kissed you yet? Because if _he_ hasn't, I mean, I'd _like_ to... how about it?"

* * *

Silence fell as Peter considered both the offer and the maker.

Heinz gave him a hopeful grin, one that cracked at the edges, not quite reaching his eyes. Any nonchalance he had was belied by his fingers digging into Perry's shoulders, tensing and releasing rhythmically.

It said a lot about how comfortable they were around each other that Perry seemed to relax into it.

Perry, the calm and collected Agent P, the stoic professional, who'd faceplanted onto the table as soon as Heinz arrived and not bothered to come back up. _That_ Perry.

Of course Peter was going to accept.

* * *

As soon as Heinz's hands had left his shoulders, Perry cracked one eye open. Like hell he'd miss _this_.

What he saw made his stomach flip. That was _his nemesis_ kissing another agent, and he didn't mind _at all_. A shock, given their history, but not as much as it should have been.

Glancing sidelong at him, Heinz winked, but Perry's eyes were only for Peter. Peter, whose stoic mask had always put his own to shame, who relaxed into the kiss with more ease than _he_ ever had. Who was kissing his nemesis. _That_ Peter.

Perry stood. "My turn."

* * *

Peter exhaled through his nose. Temporary reassignment to Danville, inator alert, Perry not answering... and through this door, most likely, a repeat of the scene that'd started this whole mess.

Steeling his nerves, he pushed the door open.

Perry's eyes flicked up to meet his, Heinz's shaft in his mouth, right down to the base. Show-off.

"Tell Peter the Panda to come ohhhhhh do that again."

Mouth dry, Peter obeyed, unsteady legs carrying him across the room. Was he really doing this? Kissing was one thing, but-

Perry nudged him at Heinz's spit-slicked cock with a smile. "You got this."

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to thank [my Perryshmirtz server](https://discord.gg/eEhRMq3) (specifically the nsfw channel) for enabling me in this. I made this ambiguous species for the non-interspecies peeps among them.
> 
> ~~I will drag you all to ot3 hell with me.~~


End file.
